Last Adventure 2005

I had a good time last night. I went to Devin's house and played pool and stuff and watched the ball drop with Chelsea and the gang. Dustin was playing cards. Jordan was making ice cream and Eric was dancing. Kaleb was making me laugh. I am forced to call Devin's a success. This, however, is only the back story.

It was about two a.m. eastern time and I needed to get home, so Blair came and picked me up. He was in the mood to make me laugh and never once did I cease or catch my breath even from the moment I got in his (dad's) car to three seconds before I opened my front door, because I didn't want to wake mamma.

As I opened the front door, I heard a noise, and it was scary. He asked me what was grunting and scratching around upstairs. I knew what it was, the Abomidable Snowman, but I told him instead it was King Kong, I didn't have the heart to scare the Jesus out of him. Just like that guy in Peter Jackson's King Kong. That was a good joke, haha, Abomidable Snowman. Anyway, I told Blair to very quitely but quickly run to the garage, and get a shovel, rope, bucket, can of paint, a Ritz cracker, and a pack of playing cards. (Don't worry about parallel structure) I meanwhile was going to going to get a sense of his movements so we could boobie trap his ass. I peeked up the stairs and OH SHIT!

We came up with a pran. It was a very precise and compricated pran. We had to get past the Snowman in order to get the Ruby Glasses, or we would surely go thirsty.

We had our gear, our pran, and they say that Eric Howard grew balls in Connersville. So we were 3 for 3, and ready to take this bitch out. Ok, you guys remember Home Alone when he throws the paint cans on the rope from the top of the stairs? Not that. We were going to throw the cards to distract him while I ran around behind and slipped the rope around his neck. Blair then would smash his face with the shovel and put the cracker in his mouth, since the Abomidable Snowman consists primarily of Dihydrogen Monoxide, the salt in the cracker would lower the freezing point of the water, and his throat would melt causing unpleasantness, suffocation, death (Palahniuk anyone?). The trick was getting him to melt into the bucket so I wouldn't have to run and get a towel.

He proved to be a very strong monster, and wasn't having any of that dumb shit. We ended up having to retire to the Great Room, because he was roaring really loudly and scaring the shit out of us. We didn't know what to do, and our thirst level was getting dangerously high. Remembering my Friend Up Above, I pulled out my cell phone and made the most important call of my life. I called George Bush, and told him that Saddam had escaped and was in the upstairs hallway of my house. He said he knew this already, that I'm a stupid asshole for thinking he didn't already know (apparently the US has a fantastic INTELLIGENCE system), and that he would call in an artillery strike. I hung up the phone, and Blair asked if the retard really bought it. I replied with a shake of my head, "What a douche."

When that didn't work either, because Bush was drunk at the time so instead of calling in the strike, he bombed Hollywood, killing Ben Affleck. We were really too thirsty at this point, and I had had enough of this, so I decided the best way to circumnavigate the fat fuck was to just meet him head on. I called R-Kelly. He came and sang a song about John Travolta, and pulled out his gun. Blair smashed the side of his face in with the shovel, and I used his pistol to smash a circle through the temple of the beast 9mm in diameter. It felt good.

Five minutes later, with the Snowman neutralized, we were sipping at the Glasses of Hue Ruby, with smiles on our faces and joy in our hearts. The white fur covering the monster's body was completely charred, but his face did say 'scary.' I'm still selling the hide on e-bay.

What an adventure.