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I post when I feel a particular surge of feeling that I will not handle. I just got up from a nap, and I've been taking a lot of the stupid things on account of the a) frequency of swim practice and b) lack of sleep. During these naps, and indeed at night as well, I've been 'having' dreams. Now, we all dream every night, four or five times actually, but memory storage is the key. I have been remembering (within the last three days) about one dream a day, and frankly I'd like to get back to sleeping.
It seems anymore than I only post when I'm fuming. These post are never anything I'm proud of, and I usually end up deleting them thirty seconds after they've been posted. Let's say my dam holds 5,000,000 gallons of Furor Impius before it overflows and I fuckin' lose it. Well, the river is rapidly filling itup, and the natives cannot make up the difference, they cannot make my net gain 0. We all know that when the net force acting on an object is non-zero, its velocity is subject to change. Also, I have a feeling that very few people will like the direction and vigor of the impetus this force is/may/is trying/ will give me. The natives are not a sufficient outlet, they are standing on the banks of the reservoir with buckets. No, I need to let the Terribleness flow. The Irrationality, the violent flame, my force of Hate. I will not let the little Dutch boy hold this back any longer. The river is not supposed to flow this way anyway; somebody fucked up. Music soothes even the savage beast, but it doesn't bind him with one hundred brazen knots. From my loving core, I implore you, do not make me act as such a beast alluded to in the previous sentence. The Roman war machine was a ruthless thing, just as we are today, and I feel it's safe to say that Rumor loves a good beating.

Americans

You guys really pissed me off tonight.

Happy Birthday anyway Dustin.

Discedens

I am on my own again. I've been compromised, my walls breached. I'm left defenseless, with only remnants of ground forces. Reinforcements arrive in an iota over a week. I have a bad feeling about my forthcoming week alone in the dark night. It is very cold here.

Swimming is eating me, my skin, my hair, my energy. Forward- quick march! High school is cracking me, and I'm ready to return the favor. I do not believe I could last more than this, my final semester. Currently saturated with 15M Loathing, I know my irritability and homicidal state will pass. It's like throwing up after a long hop-pounding night. The Happy core lives on, my heart is there. Yet arms and action are not of the heart, and these are controlled by things other than the placid, refined core. I just wish I could wake up tomorrow and find the date to be the 30th of this month.

Glupo dechko. Sta te kznash?

Fatigue.... my neurons are misfiring. Anger, Prince Nikolay Andreivitch Bolkonksy.... Sudden Natasha! Love

Jevtic's First Law

Jevtic's First Law of Thought states that thought is proportional to sleep and inversely proportional to happiness. The mind is weighed down by deep and heavy thoughts, a happy mind is a light mind, and will have none of this bogged down with depressing insights business. For this reason, my posts may be few, far between, and totally stupid. Thought is the yen as action is the yang, discipline is needed to blend the two successfully. Side effects of success are consistency, euphoria, fortified feelings of self-worth, and love of world. I have no desire to define the calamities that arise from failure, either ob too much thought or too much action. No man can live on sugar, but a life without it is a life off the mark.

Love washes over in waves, and when the tide goes out, a very strong foundation will stand, unmoved. Amor omnia vincit.

Perverts

Let's
Get rid of 'em
by getting
them laid

Stupid sobriety, leaving me with all sorts of energy and shit, goddamn I can't sleep for more than seven hours a night when I try. Don't speak of curing me you assholes.

Damn, another week or two and this high school thing will be over.
When did that chick get hot?

Well, that's my mama.

Treason

This cannot be tolerated. If I'm going to continue to preach strength through unity I cannot have such crimes from one so dear. This is your final warning, for I am not generous to those who commit the only crime mentioned in our Constitution. I have, as the framers of this, the greatest document, understood, fought the terrible furor impius, and many times I have lost. This ceases now. Oh wretched night and all of your destructive temptations! Why is it I cannot live in peace, as I so desire?

The answers are inside, I have only to look. I'll never forgive myself if the consequences...

Home...

People think me a wicked man, I know, and they're welcome to think so. I don't care to know any one except those whom I love. but those I do love, I love in such a way that I would give my life for them, and all the rest I will crush if they get in my way. I have a precious and adored father, and two or three friends, and as to the rest, I only pay attention to them in so far as they are useful or mischievous. and almost all are mischievous, especially the girls. yes, I have met (men) who were loving, noble, and lofty-minded. but women that were not cattle for sale, I have not come across yet. I have not yet met the angelic purity and devotion which I look for in woman, if I could find such a woman, I would give my life for her! but these creatures... But believe me, if I still care for life, I care for it because I still hope to meet such a heavenly creature, who would regenerate and purify and elevate me.

This is me. I am what I am, never bending, never breaking. This does not, of course, suggest never compromising, if you think that you've just missed the point. What I want from this world, from this year, this moment, this post, and from you is fulfillment. Never do I plan to be a spiteful old man, trying to destroy others because I fucked up my time here. Fulfillment is for me peace, serenity, and in those it is love. Love is home. I want to go home. Cup of hot truly natural tea, that had been growing two days ago, cackling fire, and warm affection. These are not too much to ask, I feel, of this god-forsaken world full of atheists. Give me peace, O Lord, grant me this... I can see no one will hold my hand, guide me through the dark with whispers that everthing will be okay...

Yeah! We fuckin' did it!

Haha, look at Thomas back there, he kicked ass today.

Fuck yeah! We won Shelby Relays for the first time since AD930. First place medals awarded to:
200 Medley Relay: Eric Byrer Stefan Jevtic Nick Allen Aaron Cherry; 1000 Free Relay: Nathan Willis Tom Lapinski; 150 Breasts Relay: Ben Hebbe Aaron Rowland Stefan Jevtic

Maybe more, because we were kicked some ass today. And it felt damn good, man, Batesville was right behind us too, the beast relay was the clincher. It was a good race, Ben got us a quarter second lead, Aaron dropped it, and I beat the shit out of the water, bringing it home in the faces of all of the player haters. The player haters know now to whom this house belongs. We swam really well today, I'm proud of my team for the first time this year. The girls got third or some other stupid crap. Blair aint shit.

Where Were You When the Fun Started?

Bigger, Longer, and Uncut

Get me the fuck out of this chair- how's that for last words?

The most dangerous scenario imaginable is the interpretation of implication, which leads to the greatest highs and hardest lows. The coefficient of static friction is greater than the coefficient of kinetic friction. By application, the hardest part of a relationship is the transition or origination from intellectual friend to socially seen. The Aeneid is still very much in my mind, and today, thought was ignited by my physics teacher. He told a student that thermal energy travels from hot to cold. Now, I got enough sleep last night, and I was ready to think, and think I did. Hot to cold. Fast to slow. Allecto, Amata, Turnus. I'm trying to incite thought in my fellow Latin students. Life is being loved by me. This is a terrible post, but what do I care? If a man throws a dog a bone, does he ask if it's good? (You're not dogs, I'm just saying.) Nothing is sexier than a big furrowed brain with which I can communicate. In this case, I am part Dean, part Carlo, part Sal.... let's call this character Stefan. My counterpart is female and may possibly be Morrie's definition of fulfillment, had he defined it, I'm not sure.

Love or die. Read. Find something to believe in. Festina lente.

Finis

Well, it's finished. The greatest Roman work of literature has been read by me. An entire new dimension has been mapped out for me, my lens has been upgraded. As I read great stories, rather than pick them apart and identify devices and techniques, I tend to let the story saturate and overpower me to the point of disconnection from reality. That's how movies and books are meant to be enjoyed. As I've read Virgil's Aeneid, I have felt that I am the hero of the story. The confusions and tasks and solutions are mine. I struggle as Aeneas struggles, just as I did with Odysseus. Now tonight, I have finished the Aeneid, and have emerged, once again, from the calamities a calm and quiet spirit. The familiarity is what excites me, because I remember the change Homer's Odyssey produced upon completion of the opus. Some may recall the feeling after he finished reading/ watching Fight Club. Anyway, Turnus is dead, Juno tamed, and the forces of furor impius have been obliterated, and will have stayed imprisoned in the depths of man's psyche until the turn of the millennium, when the Roman republic fell.

This leaves bare the next point of focus: me. Foremost are three wonderful Christmas ideas: tea, socks, and cake rolls. The Christmas feeling is present, which generally brings Happiness. Other than that, my current disposition is that of, surprisingly, Aeneas of Book XII, which is dangerous, as I have accomplished nothing of note. The minutes stretch and distort as if resisting the pull of time, yet the days to graduation are as fleeting and evanescent as they've ever been in my entire life. This parallels Book XII, as does my increasing feeling that the ceiling is getting heavier, and the walls groan from the weight, threatening to give way. I however, won't give way, and this is reinforced by this morning's dream. In it, I stand, unaided, against the evil forces that, like Lincoln, no one sees. I will never be rewarded, which is not what this is all about. As I have said and will say, I live for the times where instincts rule and cooler heads prevail. Many have tried to confuse and force unwanted hesitation and questioning to overtake me, but I am rich in unity. Oneness is the only true bliss... for the living. I leave you with something near and dear.

WAITING
John Burroughs (1837-1921)

SERENE, I fold my hands and wait,
Nor care for wind, nor tide, nor sea;
I rave no more 'gainst time or fate,
For, lo! my own shall come to me.

I stay my haste, I make delays,
For what avails this eager pace?
I stand amid the eternal ways,
And what is mine shall know my face.

Asleep, awake, by night or day,
The friends I seek are seeking me;
No wind can drive my bark astray,
Nor change the tide of destiny.

What matter if I stand alone?
I wait with joy the coming years;
My heart shall reap where it hath sown,
And garner up its fruit of tears.

The waters know their own and draw
The brook that springs in yonder height;
So flows the good with equal law
Unto the soul of pure delight.

The stars come nightly to the sky;
The tidal wave unto the sea;
Nor time, nor space, nor deep, nor high,
Can keep my own away from me.

Sic Semper Sanctis

I feel as if I am in a story. My story is varied and complex, like yours. Here's the hook, right now I feel like I'm about forty pages from the climax, everything is closing in, social changes are happening at an alarmingly rapid rate. I planned on writing this short post four or so hours ago, it was going to be titled "Nice Guys Finish Last." Now though.... I suppose it's always easier to justify the means when you see the ends, those times when love and warmth are thick enough to touch. These are the times I live for. Not absolute Bacchus, we all know where He leads. He leads to the greatest high, and the worst destruction. Nothing is more exhilarating that running along the precipice, but to those who worship that lifestyle, look at James Dean. But, we aren't meant to be shut up in a bed for sixty years either. The key, as the Buddhists say, is to walk the middle road. Mediam viam ambulate!

When I was a boy....

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Ah, easy one, to get away from his high school and peck the shit out of his mom.

The Search: Part Two

It began last night, when I planned on being asleep by nine pm. But I got into a conversation on AIM, and it turned out to be quite a night. This friend of mine (girl) and I were talking about her boyfriend and it turned then to other things. By ten, I was questioning everything. I finally made it to the warm sheets, and as I lay there, I thought about something she had said. Jaded... she told me not to let circumstances turn to to a jaded pessimist. So I questioned myself. I separated what I know from what I do not know, and truth from untruth. Then I realized I cannot do this, and separated what I thought I know from that which I am not of a solid mind. This continued for some time.

At swim practice the other day, I philosophized using mathematics. Cannot recall now, but maybe Zach can. Anyway, I began this last night, in the very bowels of my confusion. This proved uber-useful. The third derivative of x^2 is 0. Today I saw a picture of our galaxy in my physics book, the main bulge of it. How can we fathom this? How can we even fathom the size of our tiny planet, let alone the entire solar system. From there we have our 100,000 light year wide galaxy, which is only one of the twenty that make up the Local Group of galaxies. Something so small is insignificant. We don't care if that ant was on his way to work, he's dust now.

In the end, I found that everything is nothing. At then end of the week, after every function has been graphed, with every derivative applied, every velocity found, and every goddamn head-case diagnosed, it still is nothing. The only meaning we will ever find in life is the meaning we give it. Perception is indeed reality. Nothing is more true than instinct. From the chaos of the confusion that was so conspiringly set upon me came the most fortified feeling of self-worth and knowledge that I am right. My instinct will simply prevail. I have accused many of not thinking into a problem deeply enough, and I stand by what I've said, whatever it was. Trust your instincts, never lose your identity. Amate aut morite!